Last night I dreamed...

Last night I dreamed I was an Olympic torch bearer. The host country was Sweden. We were wearing blue and yellow outfits.

Somehow I was not dropped off at my position, so I was running along the course, stopping at the transfer points to find out who was the torch bearer. I passed one - not me. I pass another and it's the tennis player, Victoria Azarenka. I get to the next one and there it is. My name. I get in position and see the flame coming.

I call out to my husband and kids. I can't imagine I'll be carrying the torch in a moment and they're not there to see it. Then I hear him. There's my husband running behind the torch with his camera ready. He gives me the thumbs up and my panic changes to elation as the flame approaches.

We are positioned for the lighting. We're facing my husband first then we turn around to face the other cameras. We are interviewed briefly and we are asked who is most likely to be the next Olympian. I obviously have other supporters there because a number of them say me. I knowingly look at Azarenka and we give each other a little nod and a smile. The others don't know that she's a professional tennis player and already an Olympian.

The torch looks more like a 1988 torch than the 2010. It has a very small handle which is easy to hold. There's a small bucket at the top that holds the flame.

I start running with the torch...tears filling my eyes, not believing that this dream is coming true. How is it possible that I'm a torch bearer? I arrive at the next transfer point, and no one is there. How lucky, I get to carry it longer.

The next one, again, is empty. I can't believe my luck. Tears are almost streaming now. I run on a bridge wondering why I'm not getting tired yet (I haven't been a runner in a long time), another empty transfer point and the route goes up a hill (like a cross-country running trail with large rocks). I start running up the hill, so happy and not feeling tired. At some point, the relay gets stopped. The organizers can't figure out where the torch bearers are so they instruct me to go wait on the bus while they find them.

I'm sitting there talking with the person beside me and realize, I'm still carrying the lit torch. I take another moment to fully realize what is happening to me. Hard to believe!

Time passes and we notice that the flame is burned out. The person beside me thinks it's a problem, but I inform him that it's not. They will have flames to relit it when we start again.

Then it's time to go. As I walk off the bus, poof the flame lights up again. I was looking down at it, and the tip had a ring shaped hole that the flame came up through. I walk down the hill to the bridge where Simon Cowell catches up with me to explain what we're going to do. Yes, Simon Cowell is the organizer of the torch relay in Sweden that I am running in. Dreams aren't supposed to be realistic are they?

I go back to the start to begin the relay again. Then I wake up...amazed at an incredible dream.

Last Night I Dreamed....an Olympic ideal

This post was started on Wednesday Feb 5th

I used to often blog about my dreams, because I love the dreams I have. I often dream about my favourite athletes and bands/artists, being at concerts or sports events. For me, what I've heard often works, that what you think about (or are passionate about) is what you dream about. 

I also love double dreaming when I dream that I wake up from a dream - and remember both. Those are the best!

Often times, I dream of things that end up happening which is entertaining (or freaky). I don't mean I dream of things I have control over and end up making happen. It would be easy to dream of going ice skating and lacing the skates up the next day. I mean that I dream of something that doesn't involve me and it later happens.

I have neglected my original blog since starting Olympic Hearts so haven't been writing about my dreams lately, but I woke up yesterday (Tuesday) having dreamed that a Canadian cross-country skier had medaled. I wish I had written it down because now the details fail me. It's not surprising with the Olympics occupying my mind that I would dream of the Olympics, and not necessarily worth blogging about.

Last night I dreamed that one of our alpine skiers crashed. I remember who it is, but don't want to say. What was remarkable though in my dream was that when this athlete entered the media room, everyone stood up and gave him/her a standing ovation.

We are so focused on winning medals now. I just heard the Canadian Olympic Committee President once again talking this morning on CBC about wanting Canada to win the most medals. I don't want to hear it anymore! Don't get me wrong, of course I want my favourite athletes to win medals but I fear that we'll forget those who don't medal. I would love some of my favourite athletes who will not medal get some recognition as well. They won't medal not because they aren't as talented as our Canadian medalists, but perhaps because their sport is more competitive around the world or is better supported in other countries.

I was so happy in my dream to see the effort of this alpine skier being rewarded even without a medal.

By the way, I'm sure many are thinking it's Erik Guay (he would deserve an ovation), but it's not so no crashing energy going his way please!

This was the end of my dream post. I wasn't sure whether to post it. Is it okay for me to not be okay with "owning the podium". If we don't own the podium, then all my favourites don't win medals. I think my problem isn't so much with owning the podium, but rather talking about owning the podium. The continual talk about being #1 is bringing everyone's expectations up and I worry that even if we aren't #1 overall, Canada will be disappointed.

For me, competing in an Olympic Games is still such an amazing feat! I am always so excited to see/hear who is representing Canada at the Games. Canadian trials are so exciting yet heart-breaking.

As I continued my thoughts on my dream, I saw this article shared on Twitter.

"Bruce Kidd: Focus on medals could be setback to Olympic, anti-doping movements". Click here to read the article.

How perfectly timed.

The article talks about the emphasis on winning from the 1980's that produced the performance-enhancing drugs that the Dubin Commission uncovered.

This was also the time when a Toronto Star journalist called Brian Orser a loser for winning a silver medal ("Orser Magnificent - but still a loser" was the headline). The article talked about who cares if he tried his best, he's still a loser. That prompted a letter to the editor from yours truly and many other Canadians. It's one thing to say that someone lost a competition but another altogether to call someone a loser.

I thought we had gotten away from that type of mentality, but the tearful admission by Melissa Hollingsworth feeling like she let the country down in 2010 when she finished off the podium in skeleton tells me we haven't. It shows that we are perhaps going back to the winning is everything mentality. Luckily Melissa got a lot of support from people and so did Jared Connaughton in 2012 when the 4x100m relay team was disqualified.

In the article, Bruce Kidd a 1964 Olympian says:

"Today the pursuit of the podium is as narrow as it was in the 1980's. Like Dubin a generation ago, I worry that it distorts the meaning of the Olympic Movement and amateur and Olympic sports." 

"I was always taught to believe that the overwhelming purpose of the Olympic Movement was to enhance education for global citizenship. Sport was considered the vehicle for that education, not the end in itself." 

"[In 2010], we should have focused our energies on welcoming the world in the context of the difficult issues of the day rather than preparing loudly to beat the pants off them."

I think Own the Podium is wonderful to get the country interested in the Olympics and to support the Olympic-level athletes.  If we don't win medals, the fans won't get as excited and perhaps want to go out and participate in sports. However, there is a fine line that I feel we are sometimes crossing over.

I'm not saying that athletes should want to "participate" in the Olympics. "We are not here to participate but to win" says the COC President. I don't want our athletes to participate but to compete. I feel that the emphasis on winning at the moment goes against the words of Pierre de Coubertin "The important thing in life is not triumph, but the struggle; the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well."

There is a fine line however with doing everything we can to be ready to win and flaunting it in every press conference.  The first time I heard it I thought it was wonderful. Athletes are getting the support they need and are given a better chance to podium. I now cringe when I keep hearing it - it sounds un-Canadian to me.

When the COC President exclaims that Canada likes the new mentality of Own The Podium, I think, not all of us. I love the support Own The Podium gives the athletes, not the cockiness that is accompanying it. I think the Canadians who support our athletes like Hollingsworth and Connaughton also don't believe that the medal is the most important thing. Many Canadians recognized their effort and that they are human. Some days things go perfectly and yes we should celebrate that but on other days they don't and we should support that as well.

For years I would hear Canadians criticize American conceit, whereas I feel that we are becoming what we used to not like.

We're not the only country with great athletes, financial support and training facilities. In 2012, Olympic gold medallist Mark Tewksbury, as chef de mission, asked "Why Not Me?" It gave every athlete the belief that they could win. Someone has to win, why not me? In 2014, the message of "we're going to be #1" sounds more like we're the only ones who deserve to win.

Yes, athletes feel supported but do they also feel extra pressure that will make them feel like they need to apologize to the country if the result doesn't match the expectation?

On any given day, anything can happen. Some Canadians will win, some Canadians will podium, some Canadians will have personal bests while others will falter and not perform their best. That is sport!

I woke up from my dream hopeful that we won't forget those personal best performances that will not be on the podium. I was hopeful that those athletes who fought well but came up short of their goal would be recognized for the struggle and the journey. Being an Olympian is something special and every one of our 221 athletes named to Team Canada should be recognized for it.

From Lone Blogger to COC Volunteer to SportCafé Editor

What a difference a year makes.

One year ago today, I volunteered for the Canadian Olympic Committee for the Olympic Heroes Tour.
The first day was spent going to area schools where the Olympians shared inspiring stories with students. The morning was spent with kayaker Hugues Fournel and Justin Karn (para-judo).



They both had very inspiring stories and the bonus of accompanying the Olympians was getting to hear them. In the afternoon, we were joined by Olympic bronze medallist Antoine Valois-Fortier and swimmer Charles Francis.



The next day was the Olympic parade where I was assigned the swimming float which included two bronze medallists Brent Hayden and Richard Weinberger. This is Canada's swim team five minutes before the parade was to start.



My sister was in the crowd near the end of the parade. She ran out to hug me (she was so excited for me to have had this opportunity) and as I'm running back to my float, she called my name so I turned around. This shot is a perfect representation of the whirlwind two days I had and the happiness it brought me.



I wrote many posts about this experience last year (links at the end). What I am reflecting on today isn't those amazing two days, but how things have changed since then. I may go all kooky on you now, but I believe in serendipity. From my Olympic experience in Vancouver to today. I feel like things are meant to be.

If I made a movie about my 2010 Olympic experience, people would think it was Hollywood-ized. Everything was too perfect. Links from past posts are at the end of this one.

When I came back, I thought my Olympic dream was over. Nothing could beat a home Olympics but a year later I realized that it didn't have to be over. Just like an Olympian who wins a gold medal doesn't (necessarily) stop competing. I didn't have to stop wanting Olympic experiences even if it meant seeing an Olympian compete in local events or following athletes dream to compete at the Games.

I decided to start writing about Olympians and amateur sports more. Rather than bombarding my original blog (My Life Is Like A Song) I began in 2008 with Olympic posts, in May 2011, I started a second blog (Olympic Hearts) dedicated to Olympic sports (I did transfer the 30 or so Olympic related posts from my original blog).

My goal was to follow Olympic sports and athletes year round, not only leading up to the Olympic Games. I wanted to see them compete when it was possible, I wanted to follow Olympic trials. I wanted to be thrilled when a 20th place at the Games meant a personal best. I wanted more than the medallist focus found in mainstream media.

As much as I say that I believe in serendipity, I still believe that you have to make your own luck. Starting my blog and separate Olympic twitter account meant that I was following athletes and organizations more closely. This meant that I saw the call for volunteers by the Canadian Olympic Committee. This meant that I knew who Hugues Fournel was when I was assigned to him.

Hugues, Justin and I had great discussions in the car on our way to our destinations. At one point, I mentioned that I had seen Hugues' writing on SportCafé. He was really excited that I knew of SportCafé explaining that his friends had started the website. He continues by saying that they work SO hard. I half-jokingly ask if they need help from someone in Toronto...who's bilingual? (I knew that Etienne and Antoine were based in Québec City). I was surprised when he said "maybe, I'll ask them."

I believed that Hugues meant it when he said it, but I didn't know when he would see them with the kayak season having ended. Although he may not have remembered me, I hoped he would remember my idea I shared about what I would love to see on the website.

SportCafé mostly featured athlete blogs then. I told Hugues that often times, athletes blog about where they've been and where they've competed. I wanted to know when and where they were going to compete before they competed. Was it close to Toronto so I could go and cheer them on? Was it televised or livestreamed?

One week later, I was meeting with Antoine and Etienne who were in Toronto for a conference. They loved my idea and asked if I wanted to undertake that part of the website. If me meeting Hugues the week before Etienne and Antoine were in Toronto isn't serendipity I don't know what is. Initially I thought they travelled to Toronto often, but the next time they came this way was in June when they were in Welland for team trials.

It all came full circle with Hugues, Etienne, Antoine and I at National Team Trials.



A year ago, I was working on my own blog with limited connections and a very small audience. I even wrote about SportCafé on my blog last summer. You can read that post here where I say that "SportCafé is billed as website "for athletes, by athletes" where athletes write about their experiences and share their blog posts." I never thought that I would end up joining those athletes and writing on SportCafé myself (or recently becoming Editor).

I'm now part of a team dedicated to increasing the visibility and support for amateur sports. With the 2014 Olympics only 140 days away, we'll be working even harder to make that happen for the Games and beyond.

My Olympic dream continues.

Links to past posts:
Olympic Heroes Tour (summary of school visits)
Olympic Volunteer Day #2 (before the parade and coincidence of being assigned the swimming float)
Toronto Olympic Parade
Call Me Maybe Great souvenir for me appearing in the Olympic team video.

My 2010 Olympics (collection of all posts from newest to oldest)
Partial Dream Come True My first time holding an Olympic torch. I didn't know I would go to the Olympics yet and thought this was as close to my Olympic dream that I would get.
Opening Ceremonies
Men's Moguls...Canada's First Gold At Home
Pre-Opening Ceremonies
Vancouver Day 1
Victoria Highlights Includes Terry Fox statue, Simon Whitfield and Steve Nash jerseys and two occasions to hold an Olympic torch

Dream Big

First published on November 14, 2009 on My Life Is Like A Song

When I was a little boy
I swore that I would change the world
when I grew up
Nothing else would be enough

I see it everyday
We settled for safe
And lose ourselves along the way

'Cause if you don't dream big
what's the use of dreaming
(Dream Big by David Cook)

Last spring, I saw a presentation from Mothers On Fire. You can read what I wrote about it here in case you want the background to this post.

This fall, I saw a second presentation from Mothers on Fire. I was going to write about it, but then got sidetracked when I read what I wrote about the first presentation and was reminded that I hadn't been a "mother on fire" since that first presentation (which was a couple of days after getting a puppy). You can read that post here.

So now, I will write about the second presentation by Brenda Jasmin of Mothers on Fire.

This presentation didn't resonate as much with me as the first one, maybe because it's not as much fun as the first one "Finding Your Inner Fire". It was about "Getting Over Guilt".

I guess I do feel guilty about some aspects of parenting and homemaking but I rarely feel guilty about having time for myself like a lot of mothers do.

I believe that the main reason I am like this is because of my husband. He always believed in the importance of his activities and his friends and always encouraged me whenever I had an opportunity to go out with my friends or for activities I enjoyed. It has been a give and take for us. I never questioned the activities that were important to him and he never questioned the activities that were important to me. We supported each other.

The timing was good to hear about guilt though (and to revisit that first presentation) because I struggled with the first few months of having a puppy. Being at a mother's group and listening to moms talk about feeling guilty for not being able to accomplish as much as they used to, it reminded me that I am a new mother. I hadn't really made the realization that I do have a newborn that I have been taking care of...it's just not a human newborn but a puppy.

Brenda also talked about being a "good enough" mother and not a "perfect" mother. This again, was not an ideal topic for me. I don't think I ever pretended that I could be a perfect mother. I think I let go of perfection in motherhood early on. (I do have perfectionist tendencies though but that's a different topic altogether) So when we were talking about what a "perfect" mother is like, I never tried to achieve the characteristics of the "perfect" mother.

Could I be a better mother than I am? Yes I could, and I keep trying to improve but perfect was never what I tried to achieve.

This presentation was a great reminder for me though to let go of the guilt of the past few months and make sure that as I try to make my dreams come true, I don't feel guilty in the future.

My favourite items on the Top Ten List for Getting Over Guilt include:

• Resist the urge to compare yourself and your children to others.
• Find times to be present for your kids.
• Take time to acknowledge what you have accomplished.
• Let go of the opinions of others (and society) and listen to your own inner voice.
• Remember that when you also take care of your own needs and do things that make you happy, your loved ones benefit.
• Connect your activity to your deeper values and dreams.

Mothers on Fire has reminded me to follow my dreams. I have been writing a lot about it in the past few months. With the Olympics being held in my country in less than 100 days, my dream of attending the Olympic Games has been my focus.

I am one step closer today to realizing that dream. After over four hours of two computers refreshing every 30 seconds and my fingers redialing for tickets yesterday, I managed to secure a ticket to the Opening Ceremony.

There are still some walls to surmount before I get there, but this is the first step. Now that I have a ticket, I will continue to work at fulfilling my dream by booking a flight, arranging accommodation, arranging for my kids and puppy care and of course, work on my finances (this is not a cheap dream). The biggest challenge will be ensuring that Mother Nature doesn't wreak havoc with my dream. It will be February in Canada. Snow storms happen. Flights get cancelled. I am trying to make sure that I take all these "walls" into consideration as I plan my trip.

I do believe that if I had not been introduced to Mothers on Fire, I would not be going to the Olympic Games this winter. I had given up on that dream last year when I looked at getting tickets for my whole family and realized financially (and logistically) it was not realistic. The timing of those two presentations was perfect for me. Would I rather go to the Olympics with my family? Absolutely!! But going alone is better than not going at all and going alone is realistic and doable.

When trying to make dreams come true, we will come up against walls. You can read my post about "they're just walls" here. These walls are not meant to stop us, but to make us show how much we want something. Unfortunately, I learned this lesson late in life (but fortunately not too late). I used to give up on my dreams too easily.

I hope that my going to the Olympic Games will teach my children to Dream Big. We don't know what we are capable of until we climb over, dig under, go around or knock those walls down.

'Cause if you don't dream big what's the use of dreaming

Partial Dream Come True

Originally appeared on My Life is Like A Song on November 4, 2009

They say that when we write our dreams down, we should be specific. In case you have missed my recent posts about my dreams, go back a few posts to fill in the gaps.

After one friend called to share his viewing of the Olympic Torch going by in Victoria, another friend of mine got to carry the Olympic Torch in the Olympic Relay.

What a wonderful surprise I got while I was preparing dinner last night to have that friend (who had just flew home that day) show up at my door with a long box containing THE Olympic Torch....ok, HIS Olympic Torch (since there are over 12000 of them)....but an Olympic Torch that has been lit with THE Olympic Flame!

To make things even better, he leaves the Olympic Torch with me to enjoy for 24 hours.

Seriously???? He's going to leave it with me?

A friend of mine described this photo of me with the words..."it looks like you're a kid in a candy store". Imagine if I actually got to run in the relay...what would that photo look like? LOL

So last night, I called my family and some friends to share my happiness. More than one person said, isn't your dream to carry an Olympic Torch? This could be your dream come true.

I did think that this could be as close as I get to my dream this year. I will watch the Torch Relay run past down the road from where I live. I will go downtown to see the Torch Relay Celebration...but I am now actually TOUCHING and HOLDING an Olympic Torch. I probably won't get to hold a lit one so this could be as good as it gets.

I may not get to Vancouver to be AT the Olympic Games.

So last night, we had dinner with the Olympic Torch on the table. I toasted with the favourite Canadian wine I had (Weir Wine Pinot Noir) and felt very blessed to have a friend who shared his experience with me.

I think it's very beautiful. It's long and curvy with the Vancouver 2010 inukshuk logo. It is heavy when you first pick it up, but for its size I didn't find it too heavy. I could easily run the 300m distance with it. The inspiration for its shape was:

"Canada’s open land, vast potential and smooth, fluid lines left in the snow and ice from winter sports"

This is what it looks like when it's lit:

You can see the evidence left behind from the lit flame on this photo.

On the one side, it has a bilingual inscription of
"With Glowing Hearts"
"Des Plus Brilliants Exploits"

On the other side there is a beautiful (because we know how much I love...) a maple leaf.

The stainless line on both sides are supposed to represent the blade of a skate.

I did look to see what I wrote as my dream in my book (whether it was to carry the torch or not). It says to...

"attend the Olympic Games" and then thinking that travelling across the country (or to another country) being a little unrealistic amended it to...

"be a torchbearer for the 2010 Olympics".

So, to those saying that I have realized my dream...just carrying an Olympic torch is not my dream...it is to BE a torchbearer for the 2010 Olympics. I was specific ;-)

It does not look like this dream will happen. I may be a torchbearer for a later Olympics. Who knows? And to be quite frank, I am a dreamer enough to still believe that somehow perhaps something could happen to make me a torchbearer. The Relay hasn't reached my province yet. But I am realistic enough to fully appreciate the experience I had last night...and today as I sit to write this with the Olympic Torch in sight.

I will chalk this up to a partial dream, and learn from the experience if the full dream doesn't happen.

They're Just Walls

Originally published on My Life Is Like A Song on November 3, 2009

It doesn't matter what's in front of you
It's smaller than it seems
So don't you stop
Until they fall
They're just walls
(Walls by Ross Copperman)

A few weeks ago, I read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. If you think back a year or two, you may remember the professor who had terminal cancer and gave a "last lecture" - Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams.

My mother was reading it over Thanksgiving weekend and I got it the following week to read.
The timing of me reading this book was perfect since the possibility of me achieving one of my childhood dreams is just around the corner.

You will know that in the last month, I have been thinking about my Olympic dream and trying to find out how to make it happen.

My favourite quote from The Last Lecture is:

Brick walls are there for a reason:
they let us prove how badly we want things.

I have been talking about brick walls a lot in the past few weeks. I have been thinking about all the brick walls I have come across with relation to my Olympic Dream in particular (and my other dreams).

Yesterday, one of my favourite singers posted a song on his My Space page. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard it. You can listen to it at www.myspace.com/rosscopperman

Here are the lyrics (as I hear them):

Maybe it's the way they look at you
Their eyes telling you
That everything you do
Is never going to be good enough
They'll try to crush
The love you have inside
When you're just about to fly

So don't give up
Find your way around
Yeah don't give in
Til they all come crashing down
It doesn't matter what's in front of you
It's smaller than it seems
So don't you stop
Until they fall
They're just walls

I'm my own worse enemy
Sometimes I can't see
The forest through the trees
I get lost
I get paralyed
Then I realize
That I can see a light
Breaking through the other side

So don't give up
Find your way around
Yeah don't give in
Til they all coming crashing down
It doesn't matter what's in front of you
It's smaller than it seems
So don't you stop
Until they fall
They're just walls

When I told my husband (who has a blog about coincidences) he said (and this is my favourite quote for today):

"That's not a coincidence, that's the definition of synchronicity".

So, my dream to attend the Olympic Games may still not come true. I'm not saying that just because I read a book or sing a song that I will be able to surmount the walls I keep coming up against, but it is giving me motivation to try to scale them, go around them or knock them down.

If my dream doesn't come true, I will remember another great quote by Randy Pausch:

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.